thinking about where i was a year ago, today. thinking about what was important to me then, and what is important to me now. thinking about where i'll be a year from today.
geographically speaking, yes, of course things have changed and will change. but funny things have been happening to me since march.
i've decided not to follow my dream of 6 years and become a famous painter. i've poured everything i had into that. the whole self-indulgent narcissistic experiment was all-consuming, from self-portraits, to personal artist statements. and i loved it while i was doing it. but i literally woke up one day and WOKE UP. this is my life. yes. it is all about me. but i don't want to be an artist. i always will have love for the arts. but i'm talking about life work.
i've decided to be a maxillofacial prosthetist. not only impossible for my parents to pronounce, but the decade of learning in front of me is daunting. but it comes from this earnest desire to save the world. and believing that i can do it--in my own little sphere of influence. i've always felt the happiest doing altruistic things, be it volunteering or giving. i'm the happiest right now, in my own uncomfortable-ness, because i know i am growing.
and the universe. the universe wants me right where i am, right now. sometimes i call the universe God, when i'm frustrated, the universe. so usually the universe. but i know that all of this would not have happened in this was if it wasn't my path.
my niche. i'm carving it out. i always knew it wouldn't be typical, and i'd never fit in or be normal. at times i would like to be, but i have to say, that i'm grateful that i've never sold out to hang out with a group of people i have little or no interest in knowing long-term or for money or to make someone that i love happy.
little things.
i just realized today that i cannot eat meat. not because i don't like the taste of it and not because i don't just love food in general, but i can't justify eating animals because i love them. i can't stop thinking about how much i love all the animals, the stinky ones, the dumb ones, and most of all, the fluffy ones.
religion. i always thought with philosophy and science, who needs it? maybe me. it's easy to disdain and pick at the things wrong with seventh-day adventism. maybe i should start picking out the things that are right. i'm scarily finding out that i think there are more right things than wrong things, and in my heart or hearts. which means change. but the funny thing is, that all the things that were keeping me away from seventh-day adventism don't exist anymore.
if i'm not careful, i might become an optimist.
i'm finding out a lot about myself, on this desolate marine biology station surrounded by strangers.
this is a disgusting lot of information to be blogging publicly about myself. but for the 5 people that read this, here's my small explanation on why nothing can ever be the same again for me. | 
